we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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