3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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