I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
