My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
