I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
