My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
the night ended with taco bell and tears
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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