where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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