I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
