Don't make out with my wife yet
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
