Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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