Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
