Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
