Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
