i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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