cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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