Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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