I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
These tits shall not be calmed
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
