dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Randomize
