Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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