I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
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Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
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At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He? As in you personified your dick?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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