You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
