We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
