the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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