Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
