my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
