Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
