dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
