Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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