I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
