rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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