The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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