I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
