I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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