Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
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The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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