I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize