so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
So many bounce houses so little time
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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