I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
