you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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