We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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