If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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