Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
