I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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