she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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