I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
