I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
