so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
God, I missed his penis.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
