mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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