last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
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Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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