I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
