I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
