i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
