do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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