we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
