I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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