Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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