Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
