so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
