I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
