have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
